Before I begin to tell you all about Silas. I feel it is only fitting to start from the very beginning. I haven’t really talked about Silas’ arrival into the world openly but finally feel that I can share it. I know that it truly shows what a wonderful miracle God so preciously placed into my life!
Silas has been a strong little guy from the beginning…
In June 2010, after going back and forth to the doctor for not having a cycle since February we found out that I was pregnant! Not pregnant since February but only 4 weeks pregnant! It didn’t really make sense but I was super excited…and nervous…and scared. I remember thinking that because it didn’t seem “normal” that maybe my pregnancy wouldn’t stick. So we kept it a secret for quite some time…
We went to the doctor again at the end of July and after we found the healthy heartbeat and a little baby bean that bounced happily about; we decided it was time to let the world know! Everything was beginning to feel real and not so scary! Anthony and I would stay up talking late into the night about how our life was going to change, and baby names, and how Anthony just knew it was a boy and how I just wasn’t so sure.
It was so wonderful to finally have that fear lifted by that tiny flickering heartbeat; but the smooth sailing didn’t last long. Only 2 weeks later Anthony and I spent the night in the emergency room because as the doctor worded it, “my body threatened abortion”. I can’t begin to let you know how many times I had to push that night out of my memory. Those words “that my body threatened abortion” haunted me the next nine months. I remember being scared and wondering if it could happen again…when it would happen again…and then the feeling of peace at each ultrasound where I saw a little tiny sprout of a baby bouncing all over the place. I really felt Silas was only inside of me because God put him there. That was the only thing that made sense. Silas was a miracle from the beginning and that was the hope that I clinged to.
For Anthony, Osito, and I, the fact that our little family was growing became increasingly real as my belly got bigger and bigger! My pregnancy went really well and honestly, seemed to go by fast (until 37 weeks) because we were so busy with everything happening at The Way Church and KTLO.
(around 22 weeks)
Finally D day came….without the baby! My due date, February 21st, was also my last doctor appointment so at 8am, I waddled in bigger than ever, praying the baby would come soon! We found out that my “normal” swelling that everyone would smile and say happens to everyone- was actually pretty bad! In one week, I had developed all the signs of pre-eclampsia and to my foolish excitement this sent me straight to the hospital!
I really didn’t understand that again I was in a serious situation. In fact I was frequently scolded for walking around or sitting up. I mean, come on, I was excited, I WAS HAVING A BABY! The induction wouldn’t start until the morning so Anthony and I snuggled in to the tiny bed, listened to the soundtrack of Silas’ heart on the monitor, and anticipated our baby's arrival!
Around 10pm or so i started getting contractions! He was ready to come!
The next day, after trying to do everything to get him out naturally; we discovered the only was this baby was coming out was with a c-section. I was just too small, my blood pressure too high, and Silas was beginning to get distressed. I reallllly didn't want a c-section but I was ready for it to be over and I really just wanted my baby to be safe!
We went to the c-section room and it all happened so fast- it felt like 15 minutes! The curtain they had up only increased the element of surprise, as I had to rely on my other senses and Anthony to figure out what was going on. I heard them talking and saying it would have taken me two days to push this baby out and then I heard them say “okay now get the shoulders” and then felt a lightening as they pulled Silas out. I heard him sneeze a couple of times and then let out a little cry- the most beautiful little cry I have ever heard.
Anthony was telling me everything I couldn’t see and my eyes were welling up with tears at the surreal-ness of this moment. I heard Anthony say, “look he is over there” and turned my head to see a nurse who rolled Silas on a cart by me and said, “here is your baby”, but because of the height of the cart he was on I couldn't see him!
I said between my happy tears “I can't see him”, and then another nurse came and abruptly and said “sorry, we have to go” and that was the first moment when I suddenly knew something wasn't right. That was also when I realized I could FEEL what was happening on the other side of the curtain! They gave me more drugs and I passed out.
The next thing I remember I was in another room...Anthony and my mom were talking to me and he was telling me Silas' breathing wasn't strong and that he swallowed fluid when he was being delivered and that was why. He showed me a picture of him on his cell phone cause I hadn't seen my baby yet and Silas had little tubes and cords on him. I could barely grasp what was happening because of all the medicine I was on because of my blood pressure and I don’t remembering being able to talk.
I woke up the next morning, Wednesday, at 5am and was desperately asking to see Silas but they said I couldn't go to nicu until I was off the iv and I had to wait until my doctor cleared me. The doctor didn’t arrive until 8 and I BEGGED him to take me off the iv and said I felt so good (lies) and he complied.
(the first time I ever saw Silas)
I wasn’t allowed to go down to see him until 10:30 am. I finally got to see my beautiful boy but wasn’t allowed to hold him because the fluid had caused a tiny tear in his lungs that had let air into his chest cavity. I was explained that it would either repair itself or they would have to put in a chest tube. We were really praying now. We wouldn't know if the tear had repaired itself until the next x-ray- the next morning. I spent a lot of that day starring at my baby and recovering in bed.
Thursday came and the tear was still there although smaller, so the chest tube was still a possibility but they were going to hold out until Friday. I still couldn't hold him or feed him but I was able to bring him breast milk and he was given it through a tube in his mouth. This was the only thing that let me feel that I was still connected to him. I really was struggling and felt like he was the hospital’s possession and barely mine anymore.
Friday came, and now he was doing so much better! They took off all the tubes and now, FINALLY, Anthony and I got to hold our precious boy! We nervously dress him in his first clothes, an outfit we had meticulously picked out weeks in advance. I felt like we were passing a test and had so much to prove to all the nurses in nicu! We got to feed him with the bottle, the breast would be way hard for him after all he went through, and then all of the grandparents finally got to hold him! And poor Uncle Austin who had been patiently waiting all of these days was denied access to Silas. I begged on his behalf but not one nurse would budge.
We were told Silas couldn't leave nicu until we saw how he handled eating. We went to all his feedings to cheer him on, 8, 11, 2, 5 around the clock. It was hard for him at first but soon he was getting the hang of it! That night, another roadblock was thrown our way; they said he had jaundice and if it kept rising it would delay him going home. (this was so frustrating all we wanted was our baby) I was discharged this day so somewhat painfully; Anthony and I went home to get some rest.
Saturday, his jaundice had lowered a little bit because his eating so that night we got to board in with him and take care of him according to the nurses' schedule. We had our own room with him and every 2 hours we would take his temperature, change his diaper, feed him, swaddle him, repeat. It was a long night but so exciting because he was with US!
(Sunday morning before we left the hospital for good!)
Sunday morning, we got clearance to go home!! And now all the rest is history. I think I was pretty strong and only broke down a couple of times. I think I just couldn't think about the details of the situation or I would have lost it. I had to just remember that Silas was a miracle from day one and He was such a strong little boy! Our families were an incredible support for me but Anthony really became my rock during that week! He was so positive and if he was ever scared he didn’t let me know. He would set the alarm each morning at 5 am to wake us so that we could pray for Silas when he was getting his x-ray. I truly fell deeper in love with my husband through this experience and through watching him become a father.
At home, I really had to watch myself because it was hard to not feel a bit cheated. I never had that special moment where I got him placed on my chest and just had smiles and peace and love with Anthony and our baby. We didn’t share a hospital room throughout our stay with our baby, or watch our families pass him around and take pictures together. It didn’t feel like a celebration at all. The first day we were all home when Silas and I were struggling with getting breast feeding because he had learned to eat on the bottle, I was looking through my breast feeding book for answers and stumbled across the first moments after birth and started crying because I felt so sad that we missed out on that, sad for me and sad for him.
Two months later, I don't really think about that time with any sadness because he is so healthy and we are home together and life is wonderful!! I'm so thankful, I know God had His mighty hand on him from the beginning and I know not everyone has a happy ending like ours.
So that's our baby story. It's special and full of love and full of God's amazing power and the healing of our little strong boy!
Silas Gage Rick
Born February 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm
7 pounds, 10 ounces and 20 inches
